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Oh that's tragic. My ex husband once spoke to The Board thinking everyone was admiring his tie... but no, they were admiring a big nose-boogie.

paul morley

It's a beautiful image. Maybe you are afflicted, like my partner, with a sort of congenital inelegance, which is a damn sight more charming than those buffed and lustred high-maintenance sorts who fart in various flavours of Glade. My partner, no matter how hard she tries, no matter how new her threads, or how careful she is with the settings on the iron, and despite her vigilance in avoiding the sticky-fingered attentions of the kids, will inevitably leave the house looking like she's just had a fight. She just can't do it. If she tried to descend a stairway with a swish of sophistication she would, I guarantee, come down on her arse, effing and jeffing on every step. When she has pasta for dinner a couple of renegade shells always find their way into her hair, just above her ear. And even if her life depended on it she couldn't eat a chocolate digestive without giving herself those little chocolate smile extensions you normally get on kids. Congenital inelegance. Just a thought. I missed you on the box; is there any way I can catch it?


Info about my tv appearance is strictly classified - suffice it to say, I am thinking of pitching a follow-up, The Madness of Modern Poshness as, it seems the one thing driving everybody into a boiling rage (not that there are any wars, climate crisis or football/cricket (delete where necessary) disasters worthy of a good chest beat), is that everybody on the programme speaks so nicely and that they are all apparently loaded. Fools! Like we'd go on telly in our effing velour trackies in front of our own wretched kitchen cupboards. Meanwhile, I don't believe I suffer congenital inelegance - and I'll punch anybody's bloody lights out that says so, alright? - I suffer CIRCUMSTANTIAL inelegance. Give me a load of lolly and an easy life and I just know I'd scrub up like Gwyneth.

paul morley

Did I say congenital? Sorry, Justine, I always confuse my congenitals with my circumstantials. My mistake.

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