The Bedside Crow

I wake up

to the sound of the alarm. It is getting light outside.

Justine turns on the radio. The Today programme.

The first words we hear are, Amaz*n profits rose 9% in the final three months of last year, as the company enjoyed a robust holiday shopping season.

I roll over and consider sending Nick Cosgrove a shit in a box.

My friend Kim has been living in a cave.

It's the only possible explanation.

This morning he called me up, Hello mate, sorry to bother you, but you wouldn't have one of those American first editions of Roberto Bolano's 2666 left would you?

After I had stopped laughing I said, What, one of the three-volume paperback in the slip-case?

That one, yeah, he said

What one of the ones that are now selling for more than £100 on the net?

Oh, he said. Not got just the one, tucked away somewhere with my name on it, then?

Afraid not, I told him.

Ten minutes later he called me up again. I've got some bad news, he said.

What's that? I asked.

I've just heard John Updike's died, he said.

The Wild, the Innocent and the E Street Shuffle, but not in Upper Norwood.

I have been walking the streets of my neighbourhood looking for the new Bruce Springsteen CD, but honey I ain't found it.

We used to have a great CD shop called Warrior but it gave up the fight and closed down about 18 months ago. It was across the road from Woolworth's.

So that leaves Sainsbury's, but even though their big trucks have been rollin' by, their shelves are bare and baby the Boss ain't been.

What's a working man to do?

And why do I get a sick feeling in my stomach everytime I think about it?

New issue of The Transmitter, out now!

 

Lots of good stuff and I believe I might mention wanting to stamp on the foot of a Perrier award winning stand-up comedienne.

I was going to write a witty incisive critique, but then I thought fuck it and wrote the word knob, instead.

So it's not come in then?

No, sorry, I say.

But you said it would. Yesterday you said it would come in today.

I know I did.

So where is it then?

I'm not going to lie to you, it's my fault, I was distracted by watching Barack Obama become King of the World and I forgot to send the order to the wholesaler and so I'm not going to get that particular order until tomorrow now.

So you're blaming Barack Obama, it's all Barack Obama's fault is it?

No of course not, how could it be his fault?

Well, I'll tell you one thing, this would never have happened under George W Bush, would it now?

An author spots his book in a bookshop window for the first time.

 

Laurence Shorter author of The Optimist - one man's search for the brighter side of life. Appropriate for today of all days.

After Kienholz

   

How do you like this little beauty, then?

 

I'm so excited I'm hyperventilating.

Jon, get a grip, it's just a till.

Pah! It's not just any till it's a CASIO ELECTRONIC CASH REGISTER SE-S2000!

The old till finally curled up it's toes on Justine this afternoon, it took one VAT transaction too many and then made a pathetic mewling sound and died. It was probably about 43 years old when I bought it from a man named Arkwright, so it wasn't entirely unexpected.

Meanwhile, I was in Bromley attempting to buy a coat for a little girl, except that you can't buy a winter coat for a little girl in the middle of winter, oh no, but you can buy her a bikini FFS.

Anyway, back to the SE-S2000 - just look at all of those unassigned departments! What fun!

And I like that it has a help button. If I need help I'm going to use it.

Another satisfied customer!!

Bought the kids a Flip for Christmas.